Tommy boy

Perhaps the best Fake Date ever happened 11 June 2008; here's that journal entry:

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Me and my fakedates. Holy cow....

So I was headed off to take a walk when, as I passed by Apt 47, Jason Chandler called out to me, so I went inside. He and Rich Scott (who also lives there) were hanging out with a couple friends I didn't know, and they were trying to get a hold of another friend (named Suzy), but she wasn't answering her phone. They had each left her a message, and now they wanted me to do the same.

After some coaxing, I consented, and left a message something like, "Dude, Suzy, what gives? This is Tommy, and it's coming up on 11, and I've been waiting here since 9:30! Am I at the wrong mall or something? You did say the Towne Center and not University, right? I dunno. I'm sorry; I'm not mad at you, I'm just mad at the situation, so give me a call, and we'll sort this whole thing out. You know my number--I assume! I mean, you've called me enough times! Anyway, I'll talk to you later. Bye."

After getting a round of high fives and highest praise, I bid the pranksters adieu and continued on my walk.

I had only gotten as far as crossing the street when I received a text message from Suzy:

I'm on another date you dork. Future reference: chocolate and flowers equals winner!

I sprinted back to apartment 47.

"Jason Chandler!" I shouted. "She texted me!!"

They all huddled around my phone to behold the message, and then Jason replied (using my phone!) thus:

I thought we planned this weeks ago. Whats going on

Well, I couldn't hardly go for a walk now: she was bound to respond to that! Furthermore, the pranksters were now scheming to deliver chocolate and flowers to her door. So we all piled into Rich's car and headed to Macey's.

This text came en route:

We're planning an elopment. What's your offer?

I read it aloud and then responded:

Just wait till you get home....

As we walked from the car to the store entrance, she said:

Is that a threat or a promise?

To which I responded (no longer needing any coaching):

Both

We picked up a Snickers bar (which Jason ate part of) and an advertisement for married housing. On the drive to Suzy's place, I wrote a note, and we pulled over to pick some flowering weeds. My note went something like this:

Dearest Suzy,

This half-eaten Snickers bar doth represent the remnants of what was once my courageous heart. Nevertheless, while the fading embers of our love yet burn, even so doth hope remain within my bruiséd bosom. And if this sweet chocolate and this housing for the newly married can find place in thy cruel heart, call off thine engagement and return to me, thy gentle Tommy. For as these flowers, removed from fertile soil, shalt surely wilt, so too shall my noble soul dry up without they pure love.

Loyally thine,
Tommy Tess

I delievered the gifts in the classic ding-dong, ditch style, and this text arrived shortly thereafter:

Cute Tommy. Cute and impressive. Love blossoms in the swimming pool: tomorrow at 4:30 University Villa. Option 2: my place at 6, bring icecream and further overtures of love and friendship or forever be branded a stick in the mud!

I read it to the group, said I wasn't gonna respond and that it was up to them to decide what to do, and then went off and finally had my walk.

As I was walking home, this came from Suzy:

Stick in the mud! tommy, how can you possibly be asleep?! show your face tomorrow or all is hopeless!

To which I responded:

Your place. 6.

She responded:

I love you. lets start anew tomorrow...dear

I ran to apt 47 to tell Jason what had happened and to get Suzy's address. As we talked, this came:

I will love you more with (premium select smith's brand) icecream... :)

To which I responded:

Noted.

So. Tomorrow after guitar class, I go to redefine "blind date."

I'm such a weirdo!

But then, so is she, it would seem, so maybe it's okay....

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The next day, I went with a carton of Premium Select Mint&Chip and got to know Suzy and Krista (her roommate). I had planned to try to do something crazy (like introduce myself by saying, "I'm Kyle, Tommy's roommate. Tommy couldn't make it, so he sent me," and see how long I could keep them thinking Tommy was a real person), but when I got there, a girl who had been in on the whole thing was just leaving, and she said, "Don't worry, Kyle: I told them the whole story."

Blast....

So I settled for just being myself:

"Tommy!" they said when I arrived.

"Hi," I said. "My name's actually--"

"We know you're name isn't Tommy," they said, "but you'll always be Tommy to us."

We chatted and ate ice cream for, like, 2 1/2 hours.

We still hang out sometimes. They still call me Tommy, even though they that's not my name. It's--a strange friendship, but I kinda like it.