beeBOO BEEP

I really suck at living in the cellular age: I never, ever have my phone on. To keep people from getting angry at me, then, I have resorted to making clever voicemail answerings. Today I made a new one and realized that I should probably preserve these someplace to show off my awesomeness and then complain when people plagiarize. So here you have my collected cell phone voicemail answerings of 2009, starting with my current one, and going back to the one that was on my phone when the year started:

(Piano Man)
Leave a message you're on Kyle's phone
Leave a message for free
And I'll call you back when I am all alone
And need someone to talk to me

(Downtown)
When you try to call Kyle
You are faced with denial
'cuz you just get his
Voicemail
And he doesn't have minutes
So who knows when he'll get it
and respond to this
Voicemail

(Over the Rainbow)
Somewhere in Provo Utah
A man lives
Who's good at checking voicemail--
Sadly this is not his.

(Gilligan's Isle)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a sound
The sound of a little tone
Then you can leave a message which will then be stored
On Kyle Jepson's phone
On Kyle Jepson's phone

(Beverly Hillbillies)
Well, you have reached the voicemail of a man named Kyle
Who likes to make it answer in a musical style
So you can do some singing at the sound of the beep
Because that is your queue from me to leave a short and sweet
[spoken:] Message, that is.

("O Fortuna" from Carmina Burana)
It's Kyle's phone!
Leave a message!
And I will call you someday!

(We wish you a merry christmas)
I wish you would leave a message
I wish you would leave a message
I wish you would leave a message
And I'll call you right back

The lives of others

I spend 10 hours a week in the library, scanning stuff for the professor who employs me. It doesn't take a whole lot of concentration, so I have to find ways of amusing myself when the things I'm scanning aren't sufficiently interesting.

And that's how I developed one of my new favorite pastimes: eaves dropping on the conversations around me. I have learned that any conversation is funny when taken out of context. Here are the ones I've liked well enough to jot down:

Guy: Wait, you were laughing at a funeral?
Girl: The lady sitting next to me was crying and snorting! It was so funny; I couldn't help it! She was like [SNORT]--[hahaha]--she was like [SNORT]--it was so funny!

Girl1: So he has, like, a thousand pairs of shoes.
Girl2: That'd be pretty cool: "Hm. Today I feel like wearing blue shoes."
Girl3: Yeah. But I just can't imagine spending that much money on spray paint.

Girl1: Some people, like, spit in my face.
Girl2: Really?
Girl1: Yeah.
Girl2: Because of him?
Girl1: Yeah. I just wanted to shout, "I'm not George Bush! I'm not George Bush!"

Girl to guy: Well, first of all, you have to be bored and good looking, so we could totally choose you!

British-sounding girl on cell phone: No, no, no: I'm even more allergic to Band-aids now than I used to be!

One guy to another: She said she did wanna date a punk rocker--but I'm like the pambiest punk rocker ever! I'm really just a wannabe....

But my all-time favorite is this one:

One guy to another: Oh, but dude, make sure you don't get too overzealous your first time 'cuz this one girl did, and she ended up throwing up all over the place--just way too much ice cream.