Faux Fiancee

So. I joined HumorU, and I performed my first show a couple of weekends ago. Video of my set can be found here. After every show, HumorU has a stack of note cards that people can write a review on to let us know what they thought of the show. Saturday night (which is where that video clip comes from), we got a note card that was so crazy, you'll have to see it to believe it. You can see a scanned copy of it here. You'll have to read that if you want any of the rest of this story to make sense.

Okay. So that's the background; here's the story:

I called her up--mostly to see if this was for real. I figured that either she was joking or this was some trick that someone had played on a roommate thinking, "Haha. This'll be funny. Now Katie will get a really awkward phone call!" But I just couldn't pass up an opportunity like this, so I called the number on the card. I got her voicemail, and it said, "This is Katie's phone. Leave a message and I'll call you back," so I thought, "Well, this phone belongs to Katie. May as well leave a message." So I left a message saying something this:

Hello! I got this card recently, and it says it's from you. I don't know if you wrote it. This is Kyle Jepson from HumorU, and I did a show last night and, afterward, someone left me note that said, "[read note]." So I'm calling because I think it's funny. Call me back if you wanna: my phone number is [phone number]. Bye.

That was on a Sunday afternoon. A couple of hours later, she called me back, and I answered, "Well hey there!"

"Hey, is this Kyle?"

"Yes it is."

"Hi. This is Katie."

"Well hello."

"Hi. Um. Yeah. I wrote that note."

"Really?? Wow. I'm--I'm flattered. And I have a lot of respect for you because you are bold."

"Yeah," she conceded, "it's a blessing and a curse."

The conversation quickly dried up into an awkward pause.

"So," I said. "What happens now?"

"I threw myself out there," she said "so now it's your turn!"

"Oh! I! Well! Um...."

So we set up a time to meet up on campus at JambaJuice. We were both taking summer classes, and this happened right at the beginning of the last week before finals, so I knew I was going to be swamped with Latin. (I got an A in that class, but the way. I'm so proud of me right now!) So this was a Sunday and we set a date for a Thursday afternoon--almost two weeks away.

Meanwhile, there's a guy in HumorU named Pete, and his little sister (18-years-old) came to the show and thought I was cute and asked Pete to set us up on a date, so the Saturday after I talked to Katie on the phone, I went on a blind date with Erika. Erika was nice, but she's a freshman at BYU-Idaho, so we really didn't have much in common. We had a nice time together, but I don't have any intention of seeing her again.

This had me feeling a little more worried about meeting up with Katie, but I was resolved to go through with it.

Katie and I were going to go out on Thursday, so I called her Wednesday night to solidify plans, and we decided to meet up at JambaJuice at noon.

I got to JambaJuice about ten minutes early and just sat and waited. When I got there, the place was pretty well empty, but then people started pouring in, and about a million girls walked by me in the next 15 minutes. I was going out of my mind! Every time someone walked by, I'd sit up and smile, but the only person who walked up to me was a guy who thought I was there to sell him a chemistry book.

I learned a lot about myself as I sat there waiting. I have always claimed to be affected very little by physical appearances, but it turns out that this is not true: I am a fairly typical guy. As girls walked by, "Oh, please, no!" and "I'd take that" were constant thoughts, and I felt equally guilty about both. Katie showed up about 5 minutes after noon, and I was so relieved at her appearance that I hopped up and hugged her as soon as she said my name--which really isn't my style. I bought her a drink, and we sat and talked for about four hours.

Four hours!

That was Thursday. Friday, nothing happened. Saturday night, I was hanging out with some friends, and Katie texted me, and we had a texted conversation that lasted a really long time--certainly the longest texted conversation I've ever had (not that I do a whole lot of texting; still, it lasted a couple hours, I think). Sunday, I called her up to say hello (she had taught a mission prep class that day, and I wanted to know how it went), and she invited me over to her place, so I went. While we were there, she got a call from a guy in her ward who was cooking stir fry, so we went over and hung out there for a little while. Then I had to leave for a presidency meeting. We idly talked about meeting up later that evening, but it never happened.

Monday after FHE, I was going to watch the 1960 version of The Time Machine with my roommates. Katie texted me to ask what I was doing, and I invited her to come over to meet my roommates and watch an old movie, so she did. We watched the movie, and then the five of us (me and Katie and my roommates) sat and talked until midnight hit, and then she had to leave because of the university's honor code's curfew, so I walked her home. When we got to her place, we stood outside the door and talked for a while, and then we ended up sitting and talking for a while, and we sat and talked until sunrise, and I finally went home a little after 8am.

We had hung out for 10 solid hours!

I went home and crashed into bed, slept for about three hours, and then got up and went to work. After work, I texted her to ask her if she was home, and she was, so I went over to her place at about 6pm and we hung out for a little while. I had a ward bonfire at 8:30, and she came with me to it. We hung out there until the party wound down and then at my place until midnight hit and then we went back and sat on her porched until 3am!

So, Monday night, we hung out for 10 solid hours; Tuesday night, 8 solid hours. Of the 24 hours that made up Tuesday, I spent 13 hanging out with Katie.

This has never happened to me before, readers. You know me; you've read my blog: I go on one or two dates with a girl, and then something ridiculous happens that makes it fall apart. That's why I have more blogs than girlfriends.

Wednesday is my busy day because I'm a part of two clubs that both meet Wednesday night, but I managed to hang out with her for an hour or two in between work and club meetings.

Thursday was my last day in Provo (I went home to celebrate the 4th of July by getting my wisdom teeth extracted), so I wanted to make it awesome. I went to work that morning and by 3pm I was done with everything I had to do before leaving town, so I texted Katie and we got together a little after 4:00. The on-campus art museum has a really cool exhibit right now of Walter Wick (the guy who writes the I Spy books), so we went to that together. We spent a couple of hours looking at the pictures and searching for the hidden things. It was fantastic. Those couple hours were really a turning point for me. Up to that point, everything had just been happening so fast that my head was spinning and all I could think was, "Is this really happening to me? To me? Kyle Jepson? This is happening to Kyle Jepson, and I'm Kyle Jepson??" But as we wandered around that exhibit, I realized that what was happening, crazy though it may be, was pretty stinking cool. Here, for the first time in my life, was a girl I really liked who wasn't avoiding me and wasn't merely tolerating me but genuinely seemed to enjoy my company, and it happened without any effort on my part. I call it a miracle.

Downside: she's from Sacramento and she was heading home for the rest of the summer on Saturday morning. So we had a rip-whirlin' good week, but now we're separated by hundreds of miles.

GLOOM

So we spent a couple of hours at that exhibit, and then I had to go home teaching and we were separated from about 8:15 till about 9:45, but then we met back up and we went with my roommies to Brick Oven Pizza, after which we dropped my roommates and car off at my apartment, and I walked her home.

As we were walking, I got this a text from one roommate that said something like, "If you don't give her at least a quick kiss on the lips or the cheek you will disappoint her and me."

Thanks, man....

I showed her the text, and we both laughed.

We got to her place and sat and talked till about 2am, at which point she said that I should probably get some sleep before my long drive home. Then we both stared at the ground and pondered our impending separation in silence for a while.

"Well," I said. "Let's start with standing up."

"It's cold," she said, taking off the blanket she was wrapped in.

"That's okay," I said. "I'm going to hug you for a really long time."

"Oh," she said. "That isn't forward at all...."

We hugged. For a really long time. Not a really long time, but it was the longest hug I'd ever given up to that point. After it ended, we just stood and looked at each other and said how sad it was that we were leaving, which launched us back into conversation, and we stood and talked for another 5 or 10 minutes before I said that I should probably go.

More sad staring at the ground.

"Okay," I said. "I wanna hug you again."

And then I actually did hug her for a really long time.

"I'm going to miss these nights," I said as we hugged.

"I'm going to miss you!" she said.

"I'm glad about that," I said. "It wouldn't be fair if I missed you a lot and you didn't miss me at all."

"You were supposed to be a jerk," she said. "It was just supposed to be a funny story that ended with, '...but then he turned out to be a jerk, so I never tried that again. The end.'"

The conversation continued, then fizzled, and then the hug ended, and I started slowly, sadly backing away.

"When are you getting your teeth pulled?" she asked.

"Not till Tuesday," I said.

"See?" she said. "You could stay another day!"

"Yeah," I said. "I know. But--" and then I trailed off. If I had been thinking, I would've said something like, "The more time we spend together, the more I'll miss you when you're gone," but I was too sad to be witty.

The awkward good-bye lasted a few more seconds, and then I walked down the stairs and into the pouring rain. I didn't cry, but I made a point of telling Heavenly Father how unfair this all seemed.

THE END

(Not really: look for a continuation soon)